Forever pwning with earnest.

This is a story between Maximus Kyoura and Melessa Field-daly.

Backstory
Not many knew this story. It was burned down in a library somwhere in Malaysia.

The Story
It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Maximus Kyoura, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling excessively displeased, Maximus Kyoura backhanded a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, Melessa Field-daly. Maximus Kyoura had known Melessa Field-daly for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Melessa Field-daly was unique. She was easygoing though sometimes a little... pestering. Maximus Kyoura called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Melessa Field-daly picked up to a very mad Maximus Kyoura. Melessa Field-daly calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters turn red before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually sassily panic *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Maximus Kyoura. Why was Melessa Field-daly trying to distract Maximus Kyoura? Because she had snuck out from Maximus Kyoura's with the iPad only five days prior. It was a saucy little iPad... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Maximus Kyoura got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. Melessa Field-daly turned red. Relunctantly, Melessa Field-daly invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad. Maximus Kyoura grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Melessa Field-daly realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the iPad and she had to do it skillfully. She figured that if Maximus Kyoura took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), she had take at least six minutes before Maximus Kyoura would get there. But if he took the Teleporter Device? Then Melessa Field-daly would be excessively screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Melessa Field-daly was interrupted by three insensitive Garchomps that were lured by her iPad. Melessa Field-daly cringed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling concerned, she recklessly reached for her dull pencil and carefully hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Teleporter Device rolling up. It was Maximus Kyoura.

o0o

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Maximus Kyoura was out of the Teleporter Device and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Melessa Field-daly's front door. Meanwhile inside,  Melessa Field-daly was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the iPad into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind her whale. Melessa Field-daly was relieved but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Melessa Field-daly scandalously purred. With a inept push, Maximus Kyoura opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid coke fiend in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Melessa Field-daly assured him. Maximus Kyoura took a seat excruciatingly close to where Melessa Field-daly had hidden the iPad. Melessa Field-daly shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Maximus Kyoura was distracted. Ever so extemperaneously, Melessa Field-daly noticed a insensitive look on Maximus Kyoura's face. Maximus Kyoura slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Melessa Field-daly felt a stabbing pain in her armpit when Maximus Kyoura asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the iPad right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!'  A lie. A selfish look started to form on Maximus Kyoura's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Maximus Kyoura nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Melessa Field-daly could react, Maximus Kyoura skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.

Maximus Kyoura stared at Melessa Field-daly for what what must've been seven hours. Ever so extemperaneously, Melessa Field-daly groped sassily in Maximus Kyoura's direction, clearly desperate. Maximus Kyoura grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Melessa Field-daly let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Maximus Kyoura,' she rebuked. Melessa Field-daly always had been a little oafish, so Maximus Kyoura knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Melessa Field-daly did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at her or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Melessa Field-daly looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Maximus Kyoura. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Maximus Kyoura. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Melessa Field-daly walked over to the window and looked down. Maximus Kyoura was gone.

o0o

Just yonder, Maximus Kyoura was struggling to make his way through the magical cornfield behind Melessa Field-daly's place. Maximus Kyoura had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Garchomps suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Maximus Kyoura. Already weakened from his injury, Maximus Kyoura yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Garchomps running off with his iPad.

But then God came down with His charismatic smile and restored Maximus Kyoura's iPad. Feeling displeased, God smote the Garchomps for their injustice. Then He got in His tricycle and jettisoned away with the fortitude of  one million South American hissing sloths running from a teensy pack of spotted wolf hamsters. Maximus Kyoura ran with joy when he saw this. His iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes his favorite TV show,  Pokémon, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When spotted wolf hamsters meet rusty razor blade'). Maximus Kyoura was jubilant. And so, everyone except Melessa Field-daly and a few pipe bomb-toting venomous koalas lived blissfully happy, forever after.