Part 1 (Badges 1-2)
Chapter 1: The End of Proffesor 2.0AK.
The beginning of a new journey is the first victory in each trainer’s record. Childhood hopes and dreams have been realized, after all.
Pidgeys flew freely outside Osiris’ window. He was dressed appropriately for the occasion, wearing a T-Shirt, pair of tight paints, knee-length boots, wristbands on both his wrists, a belt to keep all of his Pokéballs on, and his glasses. He inspected himself in the mirror one last time before grabbing his backpack and heading downstairs. "Bye, mother," he said without really looking at her and going outside confidently.
"Hello, Professor Oak!" Osiris’ said, in a cheerful tone
"Hello there! Welcome to the world of Pokémon! My name is Oak! People call me the Pokémon Professor!" Prof. Oak said in a cheerful and sweet yet oddly robotic tone.
"Yes Professor Oak, I know. I live here in Pallet Town, after all!" Osiris said, sweetly.
"This world is inhabited with creatures called Pokémon! Some people keep them as pets. Some people use them for fights. Myself... I study Pokémon. First, what is your name?" the elderly man continued.
"Gosh, didn’t think he was that old," Osiris whispered to himself, "I’m Osiris!"
"Right! Your name is Osiris! This is my grandson. He’s been your rival since you were a baby. Erm, what’s his name again?"
"His name is Green. Blue in the American release of the game. BAM! Barely getting started and the fourth wall is already decimated!" Osiris said.
"That’s right, his name is Greenblueintheamericanreleaseofthegamebambarelygettingstartedandthefourthwallisalreadydecimated! Osiris—"
"Okay, okay. I’m gonna say this as politely as I can. Either you’re much older than I thought, unfit for this job, insane, or... I hate to say this, but... You’ve been eating some Rare Candy! That stuff is NOT safe for humans! And you should know this!" Osiris exclaimed.
"Hello... there... my name is... Oak..." Oak said before simultaneously combusting. Oak was an android, apparently. Osiris freaked out and grabbed the Pokéball under the "SQUIRTLE" sign. He let the Squirtle take care of the burning "Professor".
And so ends the prologue to Osiris’ journey. Is everything in this story going to be this bonkers like this short prologue was, you ask? Not everything. But almost everything will be capital "I-N-S-A-N-E" insane.
Chapter 2: Shellinda and Vlad
Osiris sprinted out of Oak’s laboratory, Squirtle in hand. He ran into his friend Gray, sending them both tumbling to the ground. "Gray!" Osiris exclaimed.
"I’m sorry... Why were you running like a panicked Zigzagoon, though?" Gray asked.
"Professor Oak! He’s a robot! He exploded! I stole a Squirtle!" Osiris yelled.
"Oh my. You seem exhausted, and it’s inexplicably dark outside even though when you entered the laboratory it was 8:00 in the morning. You need rest, and it totally isn’t because it needs to be painfully obvious that I’m a main character by the end of the chapter. C’mon, let’s go," Gray said.
"Okay..." Osiris replied.
The two headed to Gray’s cousin’s house. Osiris instantly fainted at the sight of a bed. Needless to say, Osiris had nightmares about the robot he dubbed 2.0AK’s fiery demise.
The morning came like it always did. "Thank you for the hospitality," Osiris said.
"Of course," Gray said. "Oh, by the way, you should challenge Bruno later on."
"The dude who was in the Elite Four but got kicked out?" Osiris asked.
"Yeah. You could get your first Badge, if champion is what you’re aiming for," Gray added.
"Mmmm... Yeah. I’m gonna spend my day trying to catch a Pokémon. Shellinda needs a friend," Osiris said.
"The heck is Shellinda?" Gray asked.
"Uhhhh, the Squirtle. I named her. I also stole a Pokédex," Osiris asked.
"YOU STOLE A POKÉDEX?!" Gray asked, shocked that his friend would steal something of more value than a pencil.
"Not like Oak, wherever the heck he is, needs it," Osiris said.
"May Arceus be with you..." Gray sighed.
"Well, I’m gonna catch something. Bye," Osiris declared and left.
Route One proved more treacherous than one would think. The moment Osiris set foot in a patch of grass, he was attacked by a rather vicious Rattata. He was officially battling a Pokémon for the first time.
"Rattata, The Mouse Pokémon. Literally one of the most pathetic Pokémon in the Kanto Region. A certain youngster in another region seems to be infatuated with this waste of Pokéballs," the Pokédex informed Osiris.
"Shellinda, I choose you!" Osiris exclaimed as he threw Shellinda’s PokéBall in the least cliché way he could.
"Squirtllllleee!" Shellinda managed to vocalize.
"All right, Shellinda, use Bubble!" Osiris yelled. Shellinda followed the command up with a small bubble directed at the purple, pathetic mouse. Osiris was in luck; Rattata fainted the moment it came in contact with the bubble.
Osiris resolved to go exploring to find something cool like a Oddish. He kinda wanted an Oddish. However, fate had a different plan. While searching the tall grass for an Oddish, he fell into a small cave. The landing surprisingly didn’t hurt. He was wet, though. That wasn’t an amazing feeling. He managed to find an elevated, flat surface to climb onto, despite the darkness. The cold rocks only made Osiris feel like he was being hit with the cold, cold Ice Beam of Articuno itself. He stood up, shivering and even crying cuz of how frustrated it made him that he’d managed to get into a cave with possibly no way out and more importantly no dry clothes or Oddishes. He still wanted his gosh darn Oddish. He angrily chucked one of the Pokéballs he had bought before his journey, only to hear something screech and it to hit the floor.
He picked up the device, wondering what happened, he opened it, and out popped a shiny Zubat. His luck couldn’t decide whether to be good or bad that day. He still had no escape or dry clothes though. That was still a concern. He decided to wait for Gray to inevitably start worrying and find him. In the meantime, he was freezing to death with Shellinda and Vlad (what he decided to name his Zubat).
Chapter 3: Bruno’s Guide to Onix-Hard Muscles
After a few hours, Osiris thought he heard a human voice. A familiar human voice, at that. He was sure that it was just a hallucination. After all, three hours in a dark, silent cave while freezing to death? Sounded like a perfect recipe for untimely demise.
"Osiris, where are you?" The voice called. "Osiris!"
"I’m right here, if you really exist!" Osiris exclaimed.
"Huh? I had no clue that there was a cave here. Okay, wait just a second, K brought an escape rope!" the voice said. It lowered an escape rope down into the cave.
Osiris climbed up the rope to safety. "Thanks. Now, what was I gonna do when I emerged? Oh yeah! Fight Bruno!"
"O-Okay..." Gray said as Osiris ran off to heal his Pokémon and battle the first Gym Leader.
"Bruno!" Osiris exclaimed, trying to act cool and intimidating. His voice echoed through the empty gym. He stepped forward, unknowingly activating a large screen at the back of the gym.
"Welcome to Bruno’s Guide to Onix-Hard Muscles! Today I’ll be teaching you how to get muscles as hard as an Onix!" Bruno exclaimed. He was on the screen and wearing a hideous Richard Simmons-esque outfit.
"What the...?" Osiris asked himself, more than a bit weirded out.
"Before you take me on, you must first learn how I went from a tiny, lanky kid like you to 78% muscle!" the real Bruno exclaimed from in front of the screen.
"Ew, no!" Osiris replied, "Overly muscular guys are ugly. If I wouldn’t wanna swipe right on a beefcake, I don’t wanna be a beefcake."
"You will wanna be! The full series of workout videos is only 300 Pokédollars!" Bruno replied.
"Sorry, no," Osiris replied.
"Okay, then we’ll just battle it out like real men!" Bruno yelled.
"Bring it, Steroid Steve!" Osiris exclaimed. "Shellinda, it’s your time to shine!"
"Breloom, go!" Bruno yelled.
"Shellinda, use Bubble!" Osiris exclaimed. Shellinda obeyed, sending a flurry of somehow dangerous suds at the opposing Breloom. Breloom, although Bubble wasn’t very effective, groaned.
"Breloom, use Sunny Day!" Bruno exclaimed. Immediately, the gym lightened up a little despite it being in the middle of the night.
"Shellinda, use Bubble!" Osiris yelled. Once again, Breloom barely budged despite a small, almost non-existent groan.
"Breloom, Solar Beam!" Bruno shouted. Breloom did as it was told and obliterated Shellinda in one shot.
"Shellinda! You had ONE JOB!" Osiris exclaimed as he brought Shellinda back into her PokéBall. "All right, if you wanna play that game..." Osiris murmured as he let Vlad out. "Vlad, use Wing Attack!"
The shiny Zubat obeyed its trainer’s orders and swooped in in Breloom, delivering a 4x super effective Wing Attack. Breloom fainted, and Bruno was not happy.
"Darn you! Go, Emboar!" Bruno shouted, furiously.
"Wing Attack...?" Osiris said, not entirely sure what to do about the ridiculous fire pig. Vlad obeyed and, once again, made quick work of Bruno’s Pokémon.
"Machamp, finish him!" Bruno exclaimed.
Bruno had been easily defeated.